Renaissance Man
by saltedpin
Summary: Unfortunately, Cosmos' choice of warriors is entirely arbitrary. Reno/everyone.


This is a fic written for Charlie Quinn.

I think FFVII gets enough attention, so I'm glad the number of characters from it who showed up in Dissidia was limited to what it was. However, poor WoL trying to deal with Reno was something I could not resist writing XD

Also! This was written before 012 came out, so as such it's not especially compliant with any parts of canon that were revealed after that.

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><p><strong>CYCLE ONE<strong>

"Please," the Warrior of Light was saying as he watched Cosmos' latest warrior strut up and down in front of him, "please take those Summon Stones _out_ of there."

"Where else am I going to put them?" the warrior asked, jiggling the Summons between his fingers before tucking another one in with the others. "I don't have any pockets."

"That's because you're not wearing any _clothes_," the Warrior of Light said through gritted teeth.

"Man, you're about as much fun as Tseng with a hangover," Reno muttered, pushing the Summon Stones out from where he had stashed them.

**CYCLE TWO**

"No, a Phoenix Pinion has nothing to do with 'sexytimes', as you call it."

"No, I don't believe you can make your own Pearl Necklaces, and no, I don't want you to show me."

"Stop hitting on Kuja."

"Stop hitting on Bartz."

"Stop summoning Shiva just to look at her… mammary area."

"Magic Pot is not whatever you apparently think it is."

"The elixirs are not for your hangover, and in any case you have been told you are not allowed to go out drinking with Jecht anymore."

The Warrior of Light realised that Reno had a lot to learn about serving Cosmos.

**CYCLE THREE**

"Oh, sorry!" Reno said as he walked in on Cecil in the shower. "I didn't mean to startle you, I just wanted to check if big wangs ran in your family. Have you seen the size of your brother's? I'm surprised I could get it all up th–"

The rest of his sentence was lost as Cecil let out a falsetto scream that would have impressed even Kuja.

**CYCLE FOUR**

"How did this even _happen?_" asked the Warrior of Light when he came upon the scene of Squall and Firion trying to free Reno, who for some reason seemed to have an Exdeath-based Manikin stuck to the front of his pants. A short distance away, the Warrior could see Tifa explaining something to a confused-looking Onion Knight.

"Hey, it wasn't _my_ fault," Reno said hotly, wincing as Squall had another go at levering the Manikin's visor up. "I really thought it said _Fellatio_ Tree."

**CYCLE FIVE**

One day, Reno wandered back to camp with a black eye and several broken fingers.

"It seems the enemy let you off lightly," Firion said earnestly as he bandaged Reno's hand. "I have seen far worse injuries than these."

"Oh, this wasn't any of those Chaos guys," Reno said, waving a hand. "Take my advice and be careful, man – that Lightning chick, she likes it rough."

**CYCLE SIX**

"Actually, no, I have always found Cosmos' garments to be quite demure," said the Warrior of Light, trying not to let how appalled he was show in his voice.

"Oh, yeah, right, don't tell me you never snuck a look at her boobs during one of her visits," Reno said. "She's a hottie, I wouldn't blame you."

"I have _never_ – "

"Oh that's right, I was forgetting you've got that thing going with what's-his-face, big guy with the horns. Garland."

The Warrior of Light was only a shade above 'unhealthily pale' at the best of times, but now what little colour he did have drained out of his face.

"Yeah," continued Reno, "you might want to keep it down? Some of us have to sleep, you know. Though to be honest, it was kind of a relief. It was hard to concentrate with you two telegraphing 'fuck me hard' across the battlefield at each other."

No one had ever seen the Warrior of Light so unable to deliver a lecture before.

**CYCLE SEVEN**

"Man, I remember back home – Sephiroth was such a hardarse, he thought he was the shit because of that huge sword. If you ask me, he was overcompensating for something. I mean, do you see _me_ carrying weapons?"

Usually, the Warrior of Light would have let Reno's gutter-talk go in one ear and out the other, but this time something caught his attention. "Wait – back home? Sephiroth is from your world? You remember him?"

Reno shrugged. "Of course."

"But I thought – "

Reno tapped his temple. "Good old Shinra Turk training. Memory suppressants don't work on me."

"But the gods – "

Reno let out a short laugh. "Gods, schmods. I've known plenty of guys who thought they were gods, but they were always just egomaniacs with good hair. I've never met one yet who could convince me to believe in them."

Beneath his helmet, the Warrior of Light's forehead creased. "Then why do you fight?"

Reno shrugged. "It's something to do."

**CYCLE EIGHT**

"Man, I should have known you were all talk," Reno grumbled as Kefka sat in bed next to him, filing his nails.

**CYCLE NINE**

It turned out that Reno had been telling the truth about having known Sephiroth in the world they had come from. Despite the fact Sephiroth seemed to remember little else, the memory of Reno was carved so deeply into his brain that not even Cosmos and Chaos could erase it.

Well, at least if the fact he dropped his sword and ran away at the first sight of him was anything to go by.

**CYCLE TEN**

"Do you always do everything you're told?" Reno asked.

"Yes," said the Warrior of Light.

"Loser," Reno coughed into his hand.

**CYCLE ELEVEN**

Terra wasn't sure whether to be flattered or horrified when Zidane started using the same lines Reno had tried on her the day before.

**CYCLE TWELVE**

"I don't want to fight," the Warrior of Light said as he approached.

Sephiroth, as wary as a cat outside of its territory, only paused and did not lower his sword. "Then what _do_ you want?" he asked.

"There is a warrior of Cosmos, Reno is his name," the Warrior of Light began, noting the slight gleam of panic that had appeared in Sephiroth's eye.

"Go on." Sephiroth's voice wobbled only slightly.

The Warrior of Light debated with himself for a moment or two about how best to approach the subject, before finally deciding to just come out with it. "How on earth did you _deal_ with him for all those years? I thought Tidus was difficult, but Reno – I don't understand how anyone could possibly tolerate him for more than five minutes. If he's not wandering around in a state unfit to be seen in, he's attempting to solicit people into – into – well, I'm sure you are aware of his habits. Please tell me – how did you _do_ it?"

Sephiroth did not even betray the hint of a smile. "You should be thankful he's by himself. When I knew him, he was part of a two for one deal."

Sephiroth turned and walked away. Before the Warrior of Light had time to question him about what he meant, Sephiroth threw over his shoulder, "By the way, Garland says hello."

**CYCLE THIRTEEN**

The Warrior of Light, as it turned out, did not have to wait long to find out what Sephiroth meant.

"ZACK!" Reno called out when the newest batch of warriors arrived at the camp. "You won't believe the shit I've been doing."


End file.
